Monday, June 02, 2008

Doing better

The Mezam Stars met up yesterday (Sunday) morning around 5:45am and did a two hour run out Bafut Road. Everyone seemed to do well, even Emmanuel whose plantar fasciitis has been taking a long time to heal. This   morning I stopped by his shop and he said it seemed much better. Tomorrow afternoon, we decided to get together and go to the stadium and try out some of the exercises in Evolution Running and Building a Better Runner. That will be good. I was just watching the Evolution Running exercises and knew they would be good for me, but Im unlikely to do them on my own. Thats what a team is for!

My thoughts are almost totally on the future, or more specifically, my future. Applying for jobs, though nothing has been forthcoming yet. Getting a lot of rejections for various opportunities. Considering extending my time in Cameroon after a trip back home. And now considering doing a new assignment with VSO somewhere else. I like the work and realized yesterday that Im at a big disadvantage in my quest to get a permanent job in Africa because there are so few international NGOs operating in Cameroon (literally something like 15-20 compared to most countries in Africa where there are hundreds or thousands).

I get frustrated and discouraged and that tends to depress me. Which then makes me feel like not running, which is exactly what I need to do. So I push myself and try not to discourage myself more when it is pouring buckets of rain. At those times, I remind myself that it is a great opportunity to do yoga.

I thank God that I have running. My natural anti-depressant. Much cheaper and healthier than the alternatives. And my always-handy backup plan yoga!

In a meditation a few days ago, I was able to let go of my identification with my feelings of frustration and discouragement which allowed me to see that my underlying feeling is one of heartbreak. It breaks my heart to feel like my life has no meaning or that I cannot be of service to God and the world (which are the thoughts I have when I am rejected). But I realized that these feelings are part of the human experience. They are not unique to me. Somehow that gives me some space, some breathing room, and allows me to lift the feelings up to God in prayer.

So I thank God also for prayer.

1 comment:

Stacey Grossman said...

Hey RevRuns,

Glad to catch up with you...it's been a rough year but I keep rowing and I am glad you keep running. Rowing saves me every day, and I do mean saves!

love to you, RevRows